A little over 2 years ago my life completely changed. My husband of 35 years passed away from colon cancer. My plans for the future took a very different direction. You never think when you get married you will lose your spouse sooner than you planned. We were supposed to retire some day, travel and grow old together watching our grandchildren grow up. Now it is just me that is supposed to do all those things. When my husband, Chuck, passed away, a big part of me died with him. My hopes, dreams and plans were now gone. I basically lost my passion for a lot of things...my work, my photography, my interests, my family and my friends. I was not sure what to do now that I was all alone. A big part of me wanted to shut down, curl up and hide under the covers never to be seen again, but I knew I had people depending on me and watching me to see how I would react. I felt I had to be strong for them.
I always thought I had a very strong Christian faith, but little did I know my faith was about to be put to the test. I had to trust God was going to take care of me financially, mentally and spiritually. I just did not know how much God was going to push me to make me the person I am now. What I have learned is that God will not put anything before you that you cannot handle. Sometimes we need to ask God to help us get through a situation, and not take the situation away. Believe me my situation of being a widow at 54 was not going away! To those of you that have lost loved ones, there are stages of grief that we all go through. The first year was a fog to me. Just dealing with the financial aspect and emotional aspect of Chuck's death was overwhelming and often a blur for me, but with the help of family and good friends I made it through. After the first year, I thought I am doing ok with this grief thing and was feeling pretty confident. Keep in mind I say the word "I". Even though I accepted Jesus as my Lord and Savior at the age of 12, I really had no idea what that meant. The second year of Chuck's passing came and that is when it all hit the fan so to speak. I continued to feel overwhelmed, sad, depressed, tired and run down, and it seemed like I was crying more than when he first passed away. I literally thought I was going crazy. I felt like I should be moving on, and making plans for my future. Again notice I say the word "I". I was still trying to do a lot of this myself, and not rely on God. I later find out the second year of grieving is the worst which I why I was not prepared for these feelings.
There were times in the second year I thought I would never get my joy and passion for anything back. I basically could not see the light at the end of the tunnel. I was just going through the motions. I am not saying this is a bad thing. Maybe this was my way of dealing with it all. I finally decided I could not keep going like this. Something had to be done! It was at that point I got on my knees and asked God to just take all this from me. I had been trying to do this alone and not letting go and let God take control. The way I saw it I had two choices... to start to live life again, or to stay the broken shell of a person I had become. I would tell myself "would Chuck want me to be without joy and passion the rest of my life?" Those of you that know my Chuck know he had a love for life and was always positive so I know he would want me to pick myself up and move forward.
With the help of counseling, great friends, family and my Lord and Savior, I was able to put my life back together again, but in a different way. I was still Valicia Bryant, but I was Valicia Bryant the mother, grandmother, friend and yes the hated word the "widow". I decided this past summer was going to be a time for me. I developed a consistent devotional and prayer time, got involved in church activities and Life Groups, spent a lot of time with my good friends Cathy and Kelley, and even took an unplanned 8 day road trip, which if you know me is hard to do. I am such a planner. LOL I spent a lot of quite time also listening to God. I think often times we talk to God, but don't take the time to listen to his response. I have developed a hunger for a deeper relationship with God that I have not had before. As all this was happening, I began to have a sense of calmness I have not felt in a long time. For the first time since Chuck and I heard the words "you have stage 4 colon cancer," I began to feel a sense of peace that only God can give. My joy and passion for life, work photography and just everything in general has started to return. Do I still struggle? You bet! Everyday, but I know when those waves of emotion hit me, I am not alone. That is when I seek God whether in the car, at work, home, etc. One thing that has helped me with my journey, is I have taken up running again. I love to put on Christian music and run outdoors to enjoy the beauty God has provided all around us.
I have learned with God ALL things are possible! You just have to let God take control and realize he knows what is best for you.
I always thought I had a very strong Christian faith, but little did I know my faith was about to be put to the test. I had to trust God was going to take care of me financially, mentally and spiritually. I just did not know how much God was going to push me to make me the person I am now. What I have learned is that God will not put anything before you that you cannot handle. Sometimes we need to ask God to help us get through a situation, and not take the situation away. Believe me my situation of being a widow at 54 was not going away! To those of you that have lost loved ones, there are stages of grief that we all go through. The first year was a fog to me. Just dealing with the financial aspect and emotional aspect of Chuck's death was overwhelming and often a blur for me, but with the help of family and good friends I made it through. After the first year, I thought I am doing ok with this grief thing and was feeling pretty confident. Keep in mind I say the word "I". Even though I accepted Jesus as my Lord and Savior at the age of 12, I really had no idea what that meant. The second year of Chuck's passing came and that is when it all hit the fan so to speak. I continued to feel overwhelmed, sad, depressed, tired and run down, and it seemed like I was crying more than when he first passed away. I literally thought I was going crazy. I felt like I should be moving on, and making plans for my future. Again notice I say the word "I". I was still trying to do a lot of this myself, and not rely on God. I later find out the second year of grieving is the worst which I why I was not prepared for these feelings.
There were times in the second year I thought I would never get my joy and passion for anything back. I basically could not see the light at the end of the tunnel. I was just going through the motions. I am not saying this is a bad thing. Maybe this was my way of dealing with it all. I finally decided I could not keep going like this. Something had to be done! It was at that point I got on my knees and asked God to just take all this from me. I had been trying to do this alone and not letting go and let God take control. The way I saw it I had two choices... to start to live life again, or to stay the broken shell of a person I had become. I would tell myself "would Chuck want me to be without joy and passion the rest of my life?" Those of you that know my Chuck know he had a love for life and was always positive so I know he would want me to pick myself up and move forward.
With the help of counseling, great friends, family and my Lord and Savior, I was able to put my life back together again, but in a different way. I was still Valicia Bryant, but I was Valicia Bryant the mother, grandmother, friend and yes the hated word the "widow". I decided this past summer was going to be a time for me. I developed a consistent devotional and prayer time, got involved in church activities and Life Groups, spent a lot of time with my good friends Cathy and Kelley, and even took an unplanned 8 day road trip, which if you know me is hard to do. I am such a planner. LOL I spent a lot of quite time also listening to God. I think often times we talk to God, but don't take the time to listen to his response. I have developed a hunger for a deeper relationship with God that I have not had before. As all this was happening, I began to have a sense of calmness I have not felt in a long time. For the first time since Chuck and I heard the words "you have stage 4 colon cancer," I began to feel a sense of peace that only God can give. My joy and passion for life, work photography and just everything in general has started to return. Do I still struggle? You bet! Everyday, but I know when those waves of emotion hit me, I am not alone. That is when I seek God whether in the car, at work, home, etc. One thing that has helped me with my journey, is I have taken up running again. I love to put on Christian music and run outdoors to enjoy the beauty God has provided all around us.
I have learned with God ALL things are possible! You just have to let God take control and realize he knows what is best for you.
